Teh Bets of D00m
by Crimson Cupcake
Summary: -Sequel to Environmentally Friendly Akatsuki- The bets are on! Uchiha Itachi VS Akasuna no Sasori! Who will win this weird bet thing? Crack! *COMPLETED*
1. The Bet is on!

**TEH BETS OF D00M**

**Note: **This is a sequel to Environmentally Friendly Akatsuki. But you don't have to have read that one to read this one

**Disclaimer: **I ish not owning Naruto or teh Akatsuki -sigh-

**Other Note: **Hidan's swear words will be replaced in underlined sweets instead For safety purposes...

**Warning: **General crack...and stuff :)

--

The TV buzzed once again in the Leader's study as he watched the two arguing men in front of him. He was incredibly pissed that this was the 14th time Deidara and Sasori had argued about art today.

"Art could be incredibly boring at times," Pein muttered to himself, arousing the attention of the two Akatsuki members.

"Did you say something, Leader, un?" The blonde asked curiously, looking as if he was going to burst. This certain blonde was way too hyper for his own good today.

"Actually, I did," Pein snapped. "You two got a mission to complete! I've told you two hours ago to get the mission done!"

"Um...what was the mission again hm?"

"STEAL MONEY!" Kakuzu yelled from the corridors. "OR GAIN MONEY IN ANY POSSIBLE WAY!"

"Stealing is bad!" Came an indignant voice from under Pein's desk. "So sempai can go with the second option. See, you could be a teacher, or a...a painter, or...an artist? Oh oh oh! How about...-insert drumroll here- ... an actress!"

"TOBI!" Deidara let out a girly shriek.

"We'll just go now," Sasori muttered, dragging his furious partner away from a certain masked man, who was cackling inside his head.

And together, the two set out of the hideout and left the Akatsuki for good- -cough- I mean, started their mission.

However, they did not notice an incredibly evil man tailing them, with unmistakable red eyes.

"I LIKE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES FOR ME! I LIKE IT FOR BREAKFAST I LIKE IT FOR TEA. CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES ARE PERFECT FOR ME!" Sang an incredibly off tune voice, belonging to no other than Kisame.

"Kisame! Shut the cream bun up," snapped Hidan, in his sacrificial chamber once again.

A shadow slipped past, with glowing red eyes and everything else encased in shadow. Kisame's brain took a minute to process the information, then another minute to react. He took one minute to catch up to the shadow, who, as everyone must have guess by now, was Itachi.

"Hey Itachi-san, what'cha doin'?" Kisame asked cheerfully.

Itachi gave the blue man a death stare. Surprisingly, Sasori and Deidara didn't notice, as this was the 15th time they had argued about art today.

"Shhhhh, be quiet, I'm trying to win a bet!" Itachi hissed.

"Oh, a bet? Sounds interesting." Kisame lowered his voice, but Itachi still winced at what Kisame thought was a whisper, but really was quite a loud yell.

"Deidara? Did you hear anything?" asked the redhead puppeteer and puppet.

"Hmm? I didn't catch anything un...just because I have more mouths doesn't mean I have more ears un!" Deidara whined.

Sasori rolled his eyes and they continued their discussion –ahem- argument about art.

In the bushes, Itachi let out a sigh of relief. They were safe...for now. He wondered how Kisame ever became a Ninja with such a loud voice and crap tracking and concealing abilities.

"Wow, they nearly caught us, Itachi-san. I wonder what gave us away..." Kisame said thoughtfully.

"It's you, you idiot!" Itachi snapped, wondering if he just dump his overly stupid partner somewhere in the middle of the forest and then he can never be found aga-

Wait...where did Sasori and Deidara go?

Itachi's eyes swung around widely, before he saw the slightest trace of blonde through the thickest possible bushes. So that's where they were. "Follow me," he hissed to Kisame, creeping carefully towards where they were.

Kisame followed, wondering if his partner was about to give him cookies...or cream would be nice!

Meanwhile, an utterly perplexed Deidara was staring at his partner, who had produced a scroll.

"What are you doing Danna, un? There's no enemies here!" He whinned.

"Shut up!" Sasori murmured, summoning Hiruko from the scroll. "Deidara, have you ever wondered how you're going to die?"

"Hmm...Well I've always wanted to die in an explosion un. How artistic..."

Sasori mentally smacked himself. What was he thinking? "Well, now I'm going to kill you," he muttered quickly.

"What hmm? I didn't catch that un," Deidara said cheerfully.

"I said...I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Sasori shrieked.

It was at that moment that Itachi decided to spring out.

"Aha! I knew you were plotting an evil scheme of yours, Sasori, when I found you talking to Zetsu the other day!" Itachi cried dramatically, pointing a dramatic finger at a not-so-dramatic Sasori.

"Huh? I haven't spoken to Zetsu in a month..." The redhead replied, confused.

Deidara, however, looked quite cheerful at all this. "Oh, but I've talked to Zetsu un! He asked me about my hair products and then I told him I used Pantene and then he asked me what shampoo he should use and then I told him he should probably use Garnier and then he asked me why and then I told him Garnier would make his hair look cooler and then he asked me-"

"DEIDARA!"

"Sorry un..."

There was brief silence, followed by a very loud and dramatic voice.

"But still, Sasori, I found out your scheme!" Itachi yelled for the world to hear.

_-In Konoha-_

"I could've sworn I just heard Itachi's voice..." Sasuke said in his emotionless tone.

"Oh come one Sasuke, Itachi's probably miles away. Can't you focus on your training or I'll use Rasengan on you when you're not looking," Naruto jeered.

"You'll never catch me off guard!" Sasuke yelled quite as dramatically, facing Naruto and holding a kunai like a fencing sword.

_-Back to the Akatsuki-_

"I could've sworn I just heard Sasuke's voice..." Itachi added.

"Oh come on Itachi, Sasuke's probably miles away. Can't you focus on fighting me or I'll cut your head off when you're not looking," Sasori smirked.

"You'll never catch me off guard!" Itachi screamed. Déjà Vu yet?

"We'll see!" Sasori cried, launching himself at Itachi, puppet forgotten.

"AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!" Both men yelled, kicking and punching and biting and scratching and yelling.

Kisame and Deidara exchanged confused glances, then slowly began to back away until they were no longer in sight.

_-After a few minutes of kicking and punching and biting and scratching and yelling-_

"Oh my God where did Deidara go?" Sasori shrieked.

"JASHIN!" A voice bellowed.

"Huh? Hidan?" Both men turned to see Hidan and Kakuzu, quite breathless but there.

"What are you doing here?" Itachi asked wide-eyed.

"Yeah, this was our mission alone." The first time Sasori and Itachi had agreed with each other since their bets were placed.

"Yeah, well that bastard Kakuzu had to cookie drag me along and he said he lollipop wanted to come because-"

"Because I wanted to make sure you two weren't doing anything wrong with the money," Kakuzu interrupted. "I was right to come...right?"

"No you chocolate bastard," Hidan muttered under his breath.

"Yeah, well anyway we gotta find Deidara...and Kisame," Sasori added hastily. "We don't know where they could go and-

"There's no need to hide stuff from us, we've heard it all," Kakuzu interrupted again.

"Oh...so you heard Sasori and I arguing?" Itachi asked.

"Well yeah. And the kicking and punching and the biting and the scratching and the yelling," Hidan said in one breath. For once the sentence wasn't imbedded with swear words.

Sasori looked the tiniest bit ashamed, but Itachi didn't seem to have changed. Uchiha's do not look ashamed, everyone realized.

"WELL LETS JELLY GO!" Hidan yelled, annoyed that the silence. Everyone trooped off to find the pair.

"Deidara!" Sasori yelled, wandering North from what they all agreed was camp.

"Kisame! Deidara!" Itachi yelled, wandering South from camp.

"Sherbet Deidara! Sherbet Kisame!" Hidan yelled, wandering East from camp.

"Kisame! Deidara!" Kakuzu yelled, wandering West from their camp.

Meanwhile, said blonde and shark were wandering around, and happened to stumble upon the quad's camp.

"Oh look, Kisame no Danna, I found a camp un. There's lots of hair products too! Sunsilk...hmm...looks exactly like Itachi's shampoo un," Deidara grinned gleefully.

"You idiot," Kisame muttered. "That _is_ Itachi's shampoo. See, it says 'Sasuke' on it. Wait...SASUKE? You mean Itachi borrowed his shampoo?"

Deidara sweat dropped.

"Okay, well this must be their camp," Kisame added, trying to fix up the awkward moment.

"Oh un...well where do you think they went un? Danna even left Hiruko here."

"I don't know, but the logical thing to do is wait for them here. So do not move," Kisame said wisely. At least someone in Akatsuki had some sense.

"Okay un..."

Reassured, Kisame proceeded to set up a fire, although every time he tried, it singed his skin and smelt suspiciously like burnt fish. At last, he snapped. "Can't you help me here?" He asked angrily, eyes boring into Deidara's back.

The blonde didn't move. "I can't un..."

"Why not?" Kisame asked irritably. "Don't tell me you lost both your arms _again_.

"It's not that...YOU DON'T LET ME MOVE UN!" Deidara yelled, still not moving an inch.

It took a few seconds for the message to sink in. But then...

"I DIDN'T MEAN THAT DAMMMIT! YOU CAN MOVE!"

**--**

Hope you enjoyed it. Please R&R or I might not update D: And you don't want that...well anyway

Have a nice day -Poofs-

Art is a bang XD


	2. The battle begins!

Hello, it ish me again! I would like to thank **Devotedtodreams** for reviewing, it means a lot ;)

Everyone should know that I do not, and never will own Naruto, as well as all the warnings and stuff in chapter 1. Didn't pay attention? Go back. It's not that hard. One click of the mouse and another click to come back when you've finished.

Okay, I should start now

--

"Redhead puppet to Moneylover: I hear voices.

"Moneylover to Redhead puppet: so do I."

"All Worship Lord Jashin to Moneylover and Redhead puppet: it seems to be coming from the West."

"Uchiha Clan Slaughterer to All Worship Lord Jashin: it's coming from the North!"

"Moneylover to All Worship Lord Jashin and Uchiha Clan Slaughterer: You idiots! It's coming from the South!"

"KAKUZU, HIDAN, ITACHI, CAN WE DROP THE NICKNAMES!" Redhead puppet, uh...I mean Sasori screamed into the walkie talkie. "WHO REQUESTED THEM ANYWAY?"

All Worship Lord Jashin -ahem- Hidan pointed in the direction of Moneylover –cough- Kakuzu, but then realized you couldn't see via radio. "That Kakuzu bastard did."

"I thought it was fun!" Kakuzu said defensively.

"We're dropping the nicknames. Now." Itachi said firmly, making everyone shut up before...

"So...where do you think Deidara and Kisame are?" asked Kakuzu.

_-With said Deidara and Kisame-_

"So...where do you think the other four are un?" asked Deidara who, now reassured that he could move, had a fire set up in no time. Kisame had just gone back from a bath, and the suspicious burnt fish smell was no longer there.

"I don't know," Kisame replied, more agitated than ever. Being separated with his 'Itachi-san' obviously wasn't good for his health.

"Do you think we should look for them un?"

"I told you not to move!"

"But you said we can hmm!"

"You can't!" Kisame hissed back. "Well...you can but you can't wander from the camp."

"Oh...I get it un." Within seconds, Deidara had disappeared.

"Deidara?" Kisame called, to which no reply was given. He sighed and set to work of cooking seaweed on a stick, mainly because he refused to even think of killing fish. Don't ask me why there's seaweed in the middle of a forest.

Four hours later sought the return of Deidara, Itachi, Kakuzu, Sasori and Hidan.

"Itachi-san!" Kisame yelled, promptly tackling Itachi.

"Urgh...Hidan...get off me!" Itachi yelled, kicking and scratching everywhere.

"I'm not cherry doing anything," Hidan growled.

"It's me, Itachi-san!" Kisame screamed joyfully.

"Kisame? What are you doing here? You were supposed to be lost in the forest," said the now bewildered Itachi.

And so Kisame told the story about how he and Deidara had nearly been eaten by giant spiders, fought their way through a thick bog and finally stumbled upon their camp. Of course, only the last part actually happened, but the blue skinned man was eager to impress his superior. And of course, Kisame said that he himself did all the work and had to drag Deidara along.

"That didn't happen un!" shouted an indignant Deidara.

"Shut up!" Kisame hissed. And so Itachi, deeply impressed, began to tell the more accurate story about how they rescued Deidara who was stuck in a giant spider web.

"That didn't happen un!" shouted an indignant Deidara.

"Yes it did!" Hidan, Sasori, Kakuzu and Itachi yelled back.

Deidara hung his head.

Sasori decided to get back on subject. "Now that we're all here, I can proceed to kill hi-"

"SENPAI!"

Everyone slapped their hand onto their forehead at exactly the same moment as a lollipop head bounded eagerly towards his 'senpai' and proceeded to tackle him much harder than Kisame had dared tackle Itachi.

Deidara smashed into the ground with the masked man sitting on top of him. "TOBI!" he roared. "GET OFF ME UN!"

"Tobi is a good boy so he came to rescue you from Sasori-san," Tobi said cheerfully, unaware that everyone else was now staring wide-eyed at him.

"Rescue me from Danna? What are you talking about un? It wasn't like he was about to kill me or anything un," argued Deidara.

Sasori looked away with shifty eyes.

"Sasori, just tell him the truth," came a voice from the shadows. Unnoticed by anyone, Leader, Konan and Zetsu had probably followed Tobi here. Another reason for Deidara to kill our favourite basketball head.

"But but but...fine." Sasori gave up. "Deidara. You're going to die," he said bluntly.

Konan shook her head. "When Nagato said tell him, he didn't mean it like that."

This time it was Deidara's turn to stare wide-eyed at his 'Danna'.

"You're going to kill me un?" His voice was almost fearful.

"That will never happen Sasori! Then I shall never have my 20 dollars!" yelled Itachi, grabbing a kunai and holding it against what he thought was Sasori's neck, but actually was Tobi's.

"Yes...kill him un!" Deidara hissed.

Suddenly, the chaos began.

Kakuzu began setting up a betting booth. Kisame was directing Itachi to where Sasori really was. Sasori was chasing Deidara who was chasing Tobi who thought it was a game. Zetsu had gone to Kakuzu's betting store, but his two sides were arguing with each other.

"Itachi and Deidara's side will win," his white side was saying. "Two against one! It only makes sense!"

"**Who're you kidding? Sasori's a brilliant puppet master,"** Zetsu's black side argued.**"Besides, Kakuzu tried to kill him once, because Tobi paid him, remember? He wasn't easy to kill. Deidara on the other hand..."**

"But Sasori's one person and they've got two peop-"

"**Itachi's almost blind remember? And Sasori can summon as many puppets as he needs!"**

"I heard that!" Itachi screamed from where Kisame was directing him. The chasing was now Itachi being dragged by Kisame who was chasing after Sasori who was chasing after Deidara who was chasing after Tobi.

"Why are you so intent on Sasori to win?" his white side asked.

"**Because we're betting on him! 20 bucks Sasori wins," **his black side told Kakuzu.

"Got it," he replied, writing it down on a piece of paper, hands already trembling at the thought of so much money.

"Hey! I didn't agree to that!" his white side cried indignantly, and back he went into his arguing.

Pein and Konan were chatting quietly amongst themselves, mainly concerning: betting, Itachi and Deidara vs Sasori, Jinchuuriki's, how to rule the world, and where Pein should put his next piercing. All in all a not-so-interesting conversation. Scratch that. All in all a _very dull_ conversation.

But that time, Hidan was praying to his 'Jashin-sama' to tell him who was going to win. Then he would go to Kakuzu's betting stall and win a lot of money! Then Kakuzu would go broke and have to beg him for money! And then he would be able to boss Kakuzu around whenever he liked! Or so that was the evil plan which was running through his head.

Suddenly, Pein coughed loudly and all action terminated immediately. Well...except for Hidan and his praying and Kakuzu and his money-counting and Zetsu and his arguing and Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, Sasori and Tobi's chasing. Which was basically everything.

"WILL YOU GUYS JUST BE QUIET AND PAY ATTENTION?!" A very angry Pein roared.

Silence.

Why is it that in all my stories there has to be this moment?

Pein coughed again, unneeded this time. "We will now commence the betting...arena fight thingy."

"Battle," Konan whispered into his ears.

"Oh...okay...we shall commence it anyway! Sasori, Deidara, Itachi. Step into the ring!"

Suddenly, a giant ring of marshmallows appeared. Sasori ran into the ring, trembling with excitement. Kisame guided Itachi into the ring, but Deidara just stood there looking doubtful.

"A ring of _marshmallows_ un?" the blonde asked stupidly, eyeing the ring suspiciously.

"Yes. Do you have a problem with it?" Pein replied stiffly. Obviously, he saw the problem as well.

"No un..." With that, Deidara stepped into the ring as well. Now all four contestants were there. Wait...there were only three contestants.

"Marshmallow Tobi!" Hidan shrieked, dragging the masked man out of the ring, where a large hole had been gnawed.

"Sorry Hidan-san. I just couldn't resist all that sweetness. Tobi is a good boy," Tobi smiled sheepishly and crawled next to Zetsu, who hid him from sight. The hole was fixed as soon as Tobi disappeared from view.

"Now...let the battle commence!"

--

Did you like it? Please R&R, it makes me update faster

**Attention! I really need you guys to review to tell me which side is going to win. **

**Really Really do.**

**Trust me it helps the story. So pweese? It's not really that hard...just click the button at the bottom left hand corner, type a few words, then click send. And Tada! Done **

**Pweese? I can't continue updating with out it...**

Have a nice day -poofs-

Art is a bang XD


	3. A special appearance

**A/N: **Sorry for not updating, I was kinda busy and...well...you don't want to know. But hopefully this chapter makes up for it and you won't be too mad at me.

**Disclaimer: **Is there any point in saying this? I am not an evil genius (I wish I was)! Therefore I do not own Naruto! Or Pinocchio...

**Warning: **Very OOC Sasori, Itachi and a special appearance from the person with the world's worst hairdo, Sasuke.

**Note:** Hidan's swear words are underlined, Zetsu's black side is in **bold** and any Author's Notes are **(A/N: In brackets and are bold too)**

So enjoy...

--

Utter silence for a moment.

Pein coughed loudly again. "I _said_, let the battle commence!"

"Huh...? Ohhhhhh right," Sasori muttered, drawing a scroll. "Lady and Gentlemen-"

"We're not pineapple gentle," Hidan said stupidly.

"Shut up!" Sasori hissed. "You're ruining my act! Ahem. People, I present to you, my newest puppet..."-drumroll-"...WHO'S DOING THE DRUMROLL?"

Tobi crawled back to his spot behind Zetsu, eyes shifting.

"Well, anyway. My newest puppet is...PINOCCHIO!"

Out from the scroll popped a very ugly, very stupid version of the puppet Pinocchio.

Crickets chirped. **(A/N: Devotedtodreams, I told you I would use something other than silence )**

"You're supposed to clap," Sasori pointed out.

"Oh right yes of course," Konan mumbled, clapping. Pein joined in, followed by half of Zetsu, and soon enough everyone except for the contestants was clapping. That included a very annoyed Hidan.

"Pooft! We can do better, can't we Dei-chan," Itachi announced.

"Um...we can un?" came the surprised reply.

Itachi chose to ignore that. "Members of Akatsuki, I present to you...Uchiha Sasuke!"

At that exact moment, Sasuke stumbled out of the bushes. "AHA! ITACHI!" he cried dramatically. "I SHALL KILL YOU!"

"Not now Sasuke," Itachi said in a loud whisper. "You're gonna fight for us."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No."

"Yes."

"Fine..."

"Wow...Itachi's mindreading powers actually worked," Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.

"No, it's just lollipop luck," Hidan muttered back.

Sasuke stepped into the ring as well. Now everyone was ready.

"PINNOCHIO! CHARGE!" Sasori screamed, flexing his fingers. Pinocchio ran a few steps, then collapsed onto one of the marshmallows. "I'm screwed..." the redhead muttered.

"Haha! Pinocchio has...collapsed. Now's our chance Sasuke! Dei-chan!" Itachi cried, pushing Sasuke in front of him.

"I reckon Danna was better off using Hiruko, hmm..." Deidara muttered wistfully.

"Who's side are you on?" Itachi demanded.

"Zetsu's un."

"Sasuke! Use your Harem no Jutsu!" Itachi shrieked.

"HAREM NO JUTSU!" Sasuke was immediately replaced by the ugliest girl the world had ever seen. The girl had flabby arms and legs, and a face which looked so distorted it may have come from an alien. Several patches of her orange skin were burnt, or looked burnt. "Well, do you like me?" She...I mean _he_ said in a sickly sweet super high voice. The glass Kisame was holding broke.

Several reactions happened at once.

Zetsu closed his Flytrap, both sides wincing. Deidara fainted. Itachi grinned and did the 'Nice Guy' pose. Kisame got glass everywhere. Kakuzu had a heart attack, while Hidan continuously stabbed himself, until he passed out as well from blood loss. Pein and Konan scrambled up some random nearby tree to escape the horrifying Sasuke. Sasori gorged his puppet eyes out. And Tobi? Tobi was chewing on the Marshmallow Ring in all this confusion, oblivious to anything else. Again.

After the horrifying incident, Pein literally threw Sasuke out of _their forest_. . Itachi got a hell of a lot of paper cuts from Konan. The marshmallow ring had been repaired once more, and everything was finally back to normal.

"Thank goodness..." Kisame said in a bare whisper, bloodshot eyes glaring at the papercutted Itachi.

"Ahem. Order please," Pein strained his voice to be heard.

However, squabbling and mutterings continued.

"ORDER PLEASE!" Pein roared, yet the talking still continued.

"LISTEN TO YOUR LEADER DAMMIT!" Konan shrieked.

Silence. Not a single person or thing moved. Konan was really scary sometimes. The crickets had all ran away due to the revolting Sasuke display.

Pein coughed another useless cough again. "We shall continue as before, except _without_ Sasuke's..." He shuddered, and everyone else shuddered with him. Except for Itachi and Tobi who had no idea what was going on. "Itachi. Deidara. Show us what you can do."

"ART IS A BANG!" Deidara screamed, throwing a clay bird into the air.

"It's eternal," Sasori countered calmly. He had gotten over the Sasuke and Pinocchio incident much quicker than everyone else. That was probably because he was a puppet. "Art is eternal, brat. Something left to last and can withstand the ravages of time."

"That's where your wrong, Danna, hmm," Deidara argued. "_True _art is fleeting, un, gone as soon as it comes."

"There's no point of something vanishing as fast as that. Art is..." Sasori stopped, noticing everyone but Tobi was asleep.

"Woot! Go Senpai!" Tobi cheered.

Crickets chirped again. Sasuke must be a long way away from here.

"Urgh...is it over?" Pein muttered, supporting the sleeping Konan. Judging battles was much harder than he thought. Zetsu's Flytrap opened as everyone else began to wake up.

Itachi grabbed a random kunai and jabbed Sasori in the face. Sasori stared back stupidly.

"You do realize I'm a puppet and can't feel pain, right?"

"Yeah, but it gives me a good impression," Itachi smirked.

Kisame fainted at that. Itachi smirking? That wasn't something you saw every day.

"Well, that's not something you see every day," Konan murmured.

"The jellybean authoress just said that," Hidan rolled his eyes.

"Did anyone win yet?" Kakuzu asked impatiently. He needed his money...

"Um...no we're still going," Pein muttered quickly. "Deidara, Sasori, shut up about art and actually fight, will you?"

Deidara sighed, but orders were orders. His clay bird grew larger and soon it popped the marshmallow ring, sending marshmallow everywhere, to Tobi's delight. "Leader-sama, you gotta make the ring bigger un," the blonde whined.

Pein shrugged and suddenly the marshmallow ring grew to the size of a football stadium. That means more marshmallows for Tobi! –Excited squeal-

"That's better," Deidara smirked, and then jumped onto the bird.

Sasori was mouthing 'Thanks Tobi' to the masked man, who was gnawing bit by bit at the marshmallow ring again. Nobody noticed because, finally, the real battle was going to begin.

"Brat, take this! Bombard-with-marshmallow Jutsu!" In rapid succession, the puppet master began throwing the marshmallows from the ring towards Deidara, who was unable to dodge because he was being overloaded by marshmallows.

"My Marshmallows!" Pein cried into Konan's shoulder.

"There there, we'll get you some from Konoha Marshmallow Store later..." Konan reassured him. So much for the 'tough' leader of Akatsuki.

"Too...many...marshmallows...can't...breathe...help..." Deidara gasped, clay bird tilting to one side as all the cargo fell from the bird.

"I'll help you Dei-chan!" Itachi announced, walking right in front of Sasori. "Tsukiyomi!"

A scream from Sasori shattered the silence. "AHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO!!" _The_ Akasuna no Sasori screamed.

Everyone leaned in closer, eager to hear what Itachi had done. Eaten by termites? Dying?

"WhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisitWhatisldsjkhfjd?" Kisame spoke so fast he got tongue tied.

Itachi smirked; flicking his Akatsuki cloak off, thinking some fangirl would catch it. Nobody caught it. He scowled, but still spoke. "I just replaced his Barbie dolls with Bratz ones."

Everyone fell to the floor anime style. When they woke up, Kisame's tongue was tied, Hidan's eyes were bloodshot, Kakuzu had a giant bump on his head, Zetsu's black side was so pale it became white, Konan was a lump of paper on the ground and Pein was cross-eyed, drooling on Konan. Tobi was eating marshmallows in his dreams.

"Does this mean we win?" Itachi asked cheerfully. He attempted to walk towards Deidara, but tripped over the marshmallow boundary, hit his head on the ground, attempted to get up again, tripping over Tobi who was still sleeping and promptly flattening Konan. It somehow ruined his effect.

"No!" Pein looked very dangerous indeed, towering over the Uchiha like that. Even _The _Uchiha Itachi couldn't help but get slightly intimidated.

Deidara dragged him back into the ring just as Sasori stood up again.

"Continue the battle!" Kakuzu shouted, eager to get his hands on money.

"**Go Sasori!"** Zetsu cheered.

"Go Itachi and Deidara!"

"**Sasori!"**

"Itachi and Deidara!"

"**Saso-"**

"SHUT UP!"

Silence. Even the crickets shut up this time.

The silence was broken by...

"Tobi likes Marshmallows.

That did it. Every single Akatsuki member _attempted_ to pounce onto the masked man, fire in their eyes.

"TOBI! YOU ARE SO DEAD!" Deidara shrieked, visible eye twitching furiously.

"SON OF A ICE-CREAM!" Hidan swore. He somehow managed to get his hands around Tobi's neck.

"Give me my money!" Kakuzu yelled, pick pocketing Tobi as well as everyone else he could see.

"How dare you interrupt our battle!" Itachi snarled, Amaterasu-ing Deidara's clay bird.

"FOR PINOCCHIO!" Sasori howled. Everyone stopped, looked at him weirdly before killing Tobi again.

"Cheer for Itachi-san too!" Kisame cried, crushing everyone underneath him.

"**Let's kill him!"**

"No! Tobi is a goo-"

"**Tobi is not a good boy!"**

"Yes!"

"**No!" **Zetsu began arguing with himself. Again.

"Don't interrupt my show!" Konan bombarded everyone around Tobi with paper shuriken.

Pein tapped her cautiously on the shoulder. "Um...is it your time of the month?"

Konan howled and turned her victim to Pein.

--

So...how'd it go? I hope you're not mad at me...? Are you?

**Who's gonna win the battle thing? Only you (and me) know Review to vote!**

_After_ you review and only _after_ you review, Have a nice day ;)


	4. The ending

**A/N: I know, I know, I'm an idiot for not updating...-sigh- Oh well...guess what? This is the second last chapter! **

**-Awkward silence-**

**O...kay...-slowly backs away- I'll just...say the disclaimer and let you read now...-runs-**

**Disclaimer: I'm leaning towards buying Naruto...but until I do...I DON'T OWN NARUTO!**

* * *

Poor poor Tobi.

After being patched up and stitched by Kakuzu, the masked man took his place dutifully behind Zetsu as the battle began again. So many interruptions today.

"I HATE YOU ITACHI!" yelled an indignant Sasori, flying through the air and tackling Itachi.

"Arrrgggghhhhhh SSSSAAAAASSSSSSSOOOO-" Itachi's screaming was abruptly cut off as Sasori jammed a wooden hand into his mouth.

"Itachi...Danna...Itachi...Danna...Ita-I DON'T KNOW UN!" Shrugging, Deidara just jumped into a nearby bush.

"JASHIN DAMN IT! SOMEONE WIN!"

"Money! I need money! Hidan...are you gonna bet?"

"Sugar No!"

"That's too bad...HEY KONAN! YOU GONNA BET?"

"No!"

"Leader-sama, gonna bet?"

"Sure! I'll go for Sasori...he's winning right now, so it seems.

"Pineapple! I'm going for Itachi and the cookie Deidara...where is he, anyway?"

"Hiding in a bush," Konan replied, pointing a finger at a strand of yellow.

"I'm going for Itachi-san too!"

"DEIDARA-SENPAI WILL WIN!"

There was a moment of silence when nobody could think of anything to say.

"KATSU!"

. . .

_KABOOM! _

The whole clearing was torn apart. Trees were torn from their roots, dust and debris flying everywhere. Itachi and Sasori were blown away from each other, while Pein summoned a protective barrier for everyone else. Except for Hidan. Kakuzu pushed him out at the last moment.

"Cream Kakuzu! I'm gonna-"

He didn't get a chance to finish, as his body was blasted into different tiny pieces.

Eventually, everything quieted down and out came a Deidara, looking as much as he did so before the explosion. Everyone stared accusingly at him.

"Um...did I do something wrong, un?" asked the blond in a quiet voice, getting _slightly_ intimidated by the stares and glares and various pointing and the swearing from Hidan's head. No, wait. _Slightly_ was an understatement. He was downright freaked out.

"Deidara wins!" Pein declared, clapping. Nobody else joined in, and the clapping soon died. "Kakuzu! He got rid of Hidan! Aren't you gonna clap?"

"Sure! If you pay me, that is," Kakuzu smirked and stretched out, hands tingling for the money.

Pein was about to hand it over grudgingly when a very loud cough interrupted.

"What do you strawberry mean he got rid of me?" Hidan's talking head was perched on a very very tall tree indeed. So tall Pein had to cram his head up to see.

Pein gulped..."Hi...Hidan...?" He began backing away towards a lot of trees.

Sasori was climbing out of four hundred trees that had collapsed over him. "Why does Deidara win?"he asked, shoving Pein back into their little circle.

"ART IS A BA-"

"SHUT UP!"

Itachi walked over, grabbed the blond's shoulders and shook it roughly. "Idiot! You could have got us all killed!"

"Wait...you guys aren't dead? That sucks un..." Deidara sighed. His words caused anime veins to appear in everyone else's head.

"Go Senpai! Go Senpai! Go ...Sen...pai?"

"Sasori wins!" Pein declared, starting to clap. Nobody joined in either.

"Why does he win un?"

"Why do I win?"

"Why does he win?" Itachi frowned.

"I don't know...WE SHALL CONTINUE THE MATCH!"

Deidara, Sasori and Itachi took their places in the marshmallow ring, which magically appeared again.

"Amaterasu!" Itachi cried, promptly frying Tobi.

"Waaaahhhhhhh why did Tobi get Amate...Ameteru...Amaturesa-ed?" Tobi cried.

"**Tobi, how many times to I have to tell you it's Amuretasu?"**

"Stop confusing the poor boy, it's Amaterasu!" Zetsu's white half argued.

"**Amerutsa!"**

"That's different from what you said last time," Kakuzu interrupted.

"See! Kakuzu's sticking up with me!"

"Only if you pay me," Kakuzu replied smugly.

"Usaretama un!"

"That's Amaterasu backwards!" Zetsu's white side complained.

"It is un?"

"Amegakure!" Konan said triumphantly.

"That's the name of our village," Pein countered.

"Great..."

"AmePinnochio!"

"**Wtf? Sasori! Don't get in this!"**

"AllhailLordJashin!"

"Hidan, don't get into this either.

"Raspberry Kakuzu."

"AMATERASU!" Itachi screamed into Konan's ear, making her go temporarily deaf.

"See! Itachi agrees with me! I mean...Half of me agree with Itachi," Zetsu said.

"What's going on? Why isn't anyone talking? Why can't I hear my own voice? Hello? Anyone alive?" Konan shrieked.

"You. Are. Deaf. Un." Deidara said, all three mouths mouthing those words.

"Soot. Par. Red. Bun? Oh oh, or maybe it's Root. Star. Fed. Barn? Is this a guessing game? How's Boot. Darn. Fat. Orn?" Konan asked.

Deidara made a 'WTF?' face and gave up on her.

"Orn isn't even a word," Sasori mused.

"Poor Tobi," Zetsu sighed, trying to comfort the masked man.

"**He deserved it!"**

"He did not! Tobi is a good boy!"

"**He'll only be a good boy when he's eaten."**

"Really, Zetsu-san? I'll only be a good boy when I'm eaten? Please eat me then!" Tobi said a bit too cheerfully.

At this point, everyone began backing away from Tobi.

"This is jelly dumb, can we get on with the fight instead of lagging here?" Hidan's head shrieked from the treetops.

"Yeah! We need to stop being sidetracked!" Itachi agreed.

"Glad _someone_'s still on topic," Kisame muttered, although secretly surprised it was Hidan.

"Deidara! Sasori! Itachi! Positions!" Pein yelled.

"Yessir!" The three took their positions in the marshmallow ring.

"Itachi! Sasori! Deidara! Fight!"

"Yessir!"

Itachi dived at Sasori, screaming some random battle cry which sounded like 'Aiiiiiieeeeeyayyyyyyyaaaaiiiioooouuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaayyooooo'. He tackled the puppet master, and both of them rolled around on the ground, trying to take each other's eyes out. It looked quite hilarious.

Deidara was attempting to get out of the mess. He took one step towards Sasori, tripped over Itachi and found himself in their brawl as well. "Damn un..." Now it looked funnier.

Sasori was trying to kick Itachi off. Itachi was still screaming his battle cry and tearing at every inch of Sasori...which wasn't very effective since the latter couldn't feel pain. And Deidara was trying to get out of it all.

At this point, many of the viewers had started to yell and scream and cheer and, in Hidan's case, shoot curses.

"Mother cake just get on with the chocolate fight!

"Shut up Hidan! They _are_ fighting!"

"Don't tell me to cookie shut up, Kakuzu!"

"**Sasori! Pwn them all!"**

"Itachi! Deidara! Work together!"

"**Screw you white side, why are you going for them?"**

"They're obviously going to win!"

"**You wish!"**

"Itachi-san! Punch his lights out!"

"That isn't really a good thing to say, Kisame-san. You should say things like...GO SENPAI!"

"Tobi, I doubt Deidara will hear you...and if he does, he'll most likely ignore you. Itachi! Uh..poke him!"

"Kisame, that's not going to help."

"Well, let's see you do a better one, Leader!"

"Fine... SASORI! PUNCH ANYONE YOU CAN SEE!"

"Pein, that's not really appropriate."

"Don't interrupt me now, Konan, I'm trying to win a bet he-" A wooden fist slammed into his face. "SASORI! What was that for?"

"What? You told me to punch everyone I saw, and I saw you first."

Pein twitched. "I meant Itachi and Deidara you...puppet thing!"

"Ohhhhhh okay." Sasori joined their brawl again, punching both Itachi and Deidara in the face.

"Owwww!! Danna, what was that for, un?"

"Don't blame me, Leader-sama told me to!"

"Sasori! Stop punching us!"

"I told you already, Itachi, Leader-sama told me!"

"Well don't listen to Leader-sama then!"

"Easy enough for you to say, you're his favourite!"

"WHAT? I thought it was Konan, un!"

"That's not that I meant, Deidara."

"Wait...I'm his favourite...?" Itachi stopped in his tracks. "Woot! I'm Leader's favour-" He was tackled by Deidara again, this time on purpose.

"DEIDARA! What was that for?"

"Shut up un! I thought Danna was Leader-sama's favourite!"

"What? Who gave you that idea?"

"It's obvious, Itachi, you just don't know it yet, un!"

"I am so not Leader-sama's favourite! Deidara, what had gone into your mind?"

"I don't know un..."

"Hey...are we supposed to be fighting?" Itachi asked suddenly.

"OF COURSE YOU CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE ARE!"

"Shut up, Hidan, un!"

"Can we just call it a tie?" Sasori yawned.

"**No!"**

"Yes!"

"**No! Stop disagreeing with me, white side!"**

"Shut up, black side!"

"Itachi-san must wi-" Kisame's voice was drowned out by a louder screaming.

"GO SENNNNNNNNNNNNPAIIIIIIIIIIIII!! SENPAI MUST WIN!"

"You just gotta get a tie! That way-"

"Nobody wins and you get all the money, we figured that out, Kakuzu," Pein yelled.

"Pein, be politer to our...minions," Konan suggested.

"We're minions now, un?" Deidara demanded furiously.

"Um...no, just a slip of the tongue," Konan assured him with a smile.

"Didn't sound like it, un," the blond said darkly, before returning to his Danna.

"So...are we going to tie?" Itachi asked in a stage whisper.

"Let's just tie and shut the crowd up," Sasori agreed.

"Ano...you guys...we're minions, hmm," Deidara put in cheekily.

"So what, brat?"

"I just thought you should know, un."

"WE TIE!" Itachi announced dramatically.

Crickets chirped.

"Uh...right," Pein forced a smile and recorded something down on Konan. She _was_ made of paper, after all.

"So...do we win, un?" Deidara asked.

"Pineapple! He just said you sugar tied!" Hidan bellowed.

"Oh..." Deidara looked less than pleased.

"I GET MY MONEY!" Kakuzu yelled joyfully, holding out tentacles for money. "Come on, guys, cough up!"

Sighing, everyone who betted gave him money. And who betted?

Pein- Sasori

Hidan- Itachi and Deidara

**Black half of Zetsu-** Sasori

White half of Zetsu- Deidara and Itachi

Kisame- Itachi (and Deidara)

Tobi- SENPAI! I mean Deidara (and Itachi)

Luck Konan didn't bet. Betting wasn't for girls, everyone realized.

"I'm so glad that's over!" Pein threw his hands into the air and sat down, asleep.

**I stop at the worst places, huh? Oh well...the next chapter will be the last Is that a good thing? I don't know...**

**Review!? I shall give you immaginary cookies **

**_After_ you review, Have a nice day :)**


	5. The REAL end

**A/N:** The last chapter! W00t! Thanks to everyone who stuck to this story until the very end, and thanks to people who are going to read this long after it's completed. And LOTS OF THANKS to everyone who reviewed! Devotedtodreams; pipe-cannibals; Mushiku and I spazz with Pizzazz, I wuff you guys! Virtual cookies for everyone :)

Today the disclaimer will be a little different. and maybe a bit long, but so what?..WHO WANTS TO DO THE DISCLAIMER??

Tobi: Oh oh oh Tobi does!

Me: Okay, Tobi, you do it!

Tobi: . . . What's a disclaimer?

Me: -twitch- Okay...who else wants to do it?

-crickets chirp-

Me: Right...KAKUZU! You'll do it if I pay you, right?

Kakuzu: Yeah...how much?

Me: I don't know...just say it!

Kakuzu: Art-is-a-bang-XD does not own Naruto or the Akatsuki or me or-

Me: We get it.

Kakuzu: Money?

Me: -sigh- hands over five dollars-

Kakuzu: Five dollars? I'M RICH!!

**Okay...now let's start...**

* * *

Everyone regarded their sleeping leader with interest. Sasori wondered if he could make live people into puppets. Kakuzu wondered if he could steal his organs and sell his body for money on the black market. Hidan wondered if he could sacrifice someone sleeping to Jashin. Itachi wondered if Tsukiyomi would still work on sleeping people. Deidara wondered what Konan would do if he blew their leader up. Kisame wondered what their leader would look like without all his piercings. Tobi was eating marshmallows _again_, and Konan was curled up next to Pein, asleep too.

"Are we going to go back now or stay here forever?" Kisame demanded.

"Stay here forever, un!"

"I'm sure that wasn't what he meant, Deidara," Sasori muttered.

The blond scowled, but rallied almost at once. "Oh yeah, un? Well I'm sure that's exactly what he meant un!"

Sasori felt like poisoning him.

"Senpai was right though. Kisame-san asked us a question!"

"Tobi...pay me and I'll tell you what he meant."

"Don't hurt Tobi. Tobi is a good boy! Honest Kakuzu-san!"

"Pineapple Tobi! Shut the sherbet up before I sacrifice you to Jashin-sama!"

"Don't hurt Tobi," Zetsu cried.

"**It's not like he ever did anything to you anyway," **his black side added.

"That means I get to hurt him, un!"

"No, Deidara. We're finished with the battle. We're going now," Itachi said, returning to his stotic, quiet and emo self.

"No we're not un! I thought Kisame no Danna said we were staying forever!"

"I'm a Danna now?"

"I thought I was special!"

"You are, Sasori no Danna! But whoever made me had to make me say Kisame no Dan-"

"DON'T SAY IT DEIDARA!" Sasori screamed.

"Why not un? Kisame no Danna-"

_Slam! Bonk! Crash!_

Sasori had hit his head onto a tree, three times. Everyone else stared at him in confusion.

"I think we should go back now," Kakuzu muttered. "Time is-"

"Money, we get it you banana," Hidan interrupted.

Kakuzu scowled but luckily didn't pester the Jashinist.

"We're going back," Zetsu said firmly.

"**Before I eat you all," **his black side added with a smirk.

Kisame and Tobi looked severely frightened, but everyone else knew it was an empty threat. Zetsu was forbidden to eat members, just as Sasori was forbidden to turn members into puppets, and Deidara was forbidden to blow members up. Hidan was forbidden to sacrifice members to Jashin and Kakuzu was forbidden to steal other's organs and sell their bodies on the black market. But unfortunately for all the members, Tobi was not forbidden from annoying people.

"Let's...just...go," Kisame said quickly, practically dragging Itachi down the hill and fleeing, leaving a long trail of smoke. Zetsu grinned evily, both sides practically looking downright intimidating.

At this, Tobi broke cover and fled, running down the hill much like Kisame did, although dragging his 'Senpai' along and screaming "Aaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!"

Deidara literally bounced along behind him, shouting things like: "TOBI! I'M GONNA- Oww un! Stop running or else I'll fry- OW!! STOP RUNNING NO- EEEEEK! OWWWWWWW!!"

Sasori winced, then walked calmly down the hill after his partner, mumbling something about: "I wonder if Hidan would look good as a human puppet...Actually, I'm not even sure live people could be used, so maybe turning him into a puppet might kill him..."

Furious, Hidan dashed down the hill, after the redhead, screaming something that vaguely resembles: "JASHIN WILL OWN YOUR SOUL!"

"Hmmm...the puppet sounds good...it might sell for a price," Kakuzu muttered, trailing behind Hidan, and wondering about money and sums and black markets.

"Um...guys? I was only joking," Zetsu said hurriedly, teleporting to the hideout and leaving the sleeping Pein and Konan on their own.

_-Back at the Hideout-_

A few minutes to hours later, everyone was finally there. Kisame had come back, dragging Itachi, and in a hurry, shut himself in their room, and locking it with Ninjutsu and Genjutsu. Tobi came back next, with a angry, injured Deidara, who was by now swearing at the top of his breath. At one especially scary word which even Hidan didn't know **(1)**, the poor masked man broke down, running and hiding in Itachi and Kisame's room. Sasori arrived half an hour later, the Hidan puppet fully formed in his head. A minute later, Hidan came back, promptly tackling Sasori and pushing the human puppet idea out of his head. Kakuzu came back an hour later, mind full of money and sums and how maybe he should have charged that guy last week one more dollar...And Zetsu arrived before everyone else, and was now munching on a dead corpse in his little garden.

But after a long loooong while, everyone congregated in the living room.

"So...are we just going to leave Leader-sama and Konan-sama out there? By themselves?" Kisame asked.

"Yes," Kakuzu smirked.

"Fine with me." Kisame shrugged and returned to braiding Itachi's hair.

"Are you sure? But...Tobi is a good boy so shouldn't Tobi-"

"Shut up un!" Deidara growled.

"But Tobi is-"

"SHUT UP!" everyone yelled.

Tears began appearing out of the masked man's eyes. Zetsu took pity on him.

"Don't hurt Tobi, he's just a boy."

"Boy my ass, un!"

"Shut up, Deidara." Sasori had slipped into Hiruko again, for better battle preparations next time.

"I thought we were lolly picking on Tobi," Hidan complained.

"You're going for him now?" Kakuzu shot his partner a most intimidating and surprised glare. If that was possible, that is.

"Scone, Kakuzu you bastard!"

"We need a little silence here," Kisame said timidly.

"Kisame. Shut. Up."

Kisame shut up even before Itachi's sentence- no, series of words were complete.

"Wow...that's the first time I've heard you swear, un," Deidara teased.

"Brat, I thought I told you to shut up."

"But Daaaaaannnnaaaaaaaaaaa," the blond whined.

"Deidara, shut the hell up before I go deaf-"

Deidara looked up brightly at this.

"- and tear your organs out," Kakuzu finished angrily.

Deidara twitched once, then fell silent.

"Thank you!" Sasori breathed. "I thought he was hopeless!"

"Oh oh oh Tobi is hopeless!" A certain someone said brightly.

"Tobi, hopeless means...uh..." Kisame scratched his head.

"Hopeless means not being able to learn or act, perform, or work as desired," Itachi said smartly, tapping to dictionary.

Tobi scratched his head.

"For a sweet second I thought that stupid weasel was actually smart for once," Hidan sniggered.

Itachi and Kisame twitched.

Dead silence...Zetsu had ate all the crickets lurking around the hideout.

A cough.

Everyone turned, to find a disgruntled Pein and Konan, with sticks and leaves sticking out of them everywhere, opening the door of their hideout.

"Why did nobody wake us up?" Pein thundered.

"L-l-l-leader-sama...we were...uh...sleeping, yeah un!" Deidara nodded enthusiastically, but was promptly hit in the face by Hiruko's tail.

"Deidara, you were always horrible at lying," Konan smiled.

The blond looked away.

"We were chocolate cooking," Hidan muttered.

"Suuuuuure you were," Pein grinned, but even Deidara could tell he was being sarcastic (but Tobi couldn't).

"Yay! Leader-sama believed Hidan-san!" Tobi yelled joyfully.

Crickets chirped from within Zetsu's stomach.

"I shall forgive you this time," Pein said stiffly. "But there will be no next time.

"Yessir!" Kisame snapped to attention, but soon went back to braiding Itachi's hair, which the Uchiha seemed to be enjoying. Konan gawked at the sight.

"Good. It has come to my attention that the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki has always slipped away due to misfortunate accidents. This will not happen again. Sasori, Itachi, Deidara, Kisame. You four go and _make sure you catch him_!"

"Yessir!"

As Sasori and Itachi walked out, both were giving each other death glares.

"My money!" Itachi said gleefully, to which Sasori handed over ten dollars.

"I bet Deidara loses both arms again on this mission," Sasori grinned.

"Why do you keep betting on him? You're on."

And together, the four Akatsuki members walked off into the sunset. –cough-

* * *

**(1) **Don't ask. Just...don't ask...

**A/N: **This story is done! Finished! Completed! I'm going to write another oneshot though, it's a dare from my friends It'll be SasoDei or something similar...so read it if you want...not that I'm asking you to go out of your way to read -shifty yes-

So...review? This'll be the last time I ask in this story! Pweese?

After you review, Have a nice day

Art is a bang XD


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